As I write, just days after British Prime Minister (and glorified secretary) Theresa May visited Buckingham Palace in her bid to cling power, my country seems more than ever: drab.
The UK election of 2017 was one of dysfunctional personalities – the collectivist psychopathy and revolutionary ravings of Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn versus the lack lustre, robotic slogan slinging of Conservative Prime Minister Theresa May.
Of course, no modern Western election would be complete without a Russia conspiracy theory.
Sure enough, I can now report that ground breaking evidence has emerged of Russian involvement in the recent UK election, and what’s more Empty is the first media outlet to publish this earth shattering news.
The following under cover photo was taken in a field of wheat at an undisclosed location by an anonymous source, and proves unequivocally that Russian President Vladimir Putin is in fact, attempting to seize control of our democratic system!
The source of this 100% legitimate evidence will remain anonymous for their own safety.
Of course, the Russians aren’t the only ones with a tendency to be confused by democracy, as Jeremy Corbyn has thus far denied his loss.
When asked by journalist Andrew Marr if he accepted that he had lost the election, Mr Corbyn replied “We didn’t win the election.”
No word yet on when the Corbynistas plan to seize the means of production.
Jeremy Corbyn has a positive outlook on the election that he didn’t win.
Following the car crash election (which was intended to strengthen the Conservative Brexit mandate), the position of PM Theresa May looks about as strong and stable as a paraplegic on a unicycle on a windy day.
In her attempt to cling to power, Prime Minister (for now) May has enlisted the help of the Democratic Unionist Party of Northern Ireland.
The far from consolidating deal has provoked righteous outrage from many critics who feel that contrary to DUP belief, homosexuality is not equivalent to paedophilia and that the planet does, in fact, predate the late stone age.
This, combined with the past penchant for some in the party to be involved in violence and terrorist activity, leaves one feeling that perhaps the British public have been somewhat… DUPed.
The prospect of a hard Brexit seems distant now, and the emboldening of EU protectionism and squashing of free markets seems almost an inevitability.
Though Theresa May has failed to provide what she seemed confident of not so long ago, one failure has outshone all the rest in the aftermath of this particular election campaign: the failure of Labour’s Jeremy Corbyn to successfully deliver on his key campaign pledge of “high fives for the many, not the few”.
Jeremy Corbyn first failed in his attempt to high five Shadow Foreign Secretary Emily Thornberry as results were still emerging.
Thornberry has since accused the Prime Minister of ‘squatting’ in 10 Downing Street.
Jeremy Corbyn attempted a high five with Emily Thornberry.
The second embarrassment came a day later.
Not sufficiently put off high fives by his greeting-meets-grope of Emily Thornberry, the jubilant Corbyn attempted to join hands with a fan out of the window of a car when leaving his London home.
Falling short of his goal, Jeremy issued from the vehicle something akin to a handicapped sieg heil.
Was Jeremy Corbyn covertly saluting his supporters at the Daily Stormer?
In conclusion, whether the Prime Minister manages to retain her job for the foreseeable future (something decidedly unlikely), is ousted by her own party or faces the formation of a coalition of the left – Theresa May is surely kicking herself now for weakening her position, wasting £130 million on a general election and risking being remembered for the biggest political blunder of our time.
Theresa May is no doubt wishing for simpler times, happier times, times when Theresa and her friends “used to run through the fields of wheat”.
£130 million well spent, even if only for the memes and remixes.
Empty will return to more serious blogging imminently – this election result was just too hard not to poke fun at.